070811

it's 1.30am and i'm still awake and still wondering.
what happened?
what's going on around me?
what's happening with this world?

don't know why i feel like i don't know this world anymore.
i mean.. i don't know the people around me, people who used to be together with me.
where are they? who are they? i can't find the answer anymore.
i know they don't need me. throw me. ignore me. erase me.
so different.

but, i always pretend that everything's okay. laughed like nothing happened. couldn't find the words to tell.
didn't know what to say. actually, i feel so lonely. SMILE OUTSIDE, CRY INSIDE. yeah, maybe you can find those words everywhere. but, this is true and i really really feel it NOW.

this is the first time i don't believe in people. fake! yeah, THEY ARE FAKE!
they just wanna come to me when they need me. but, when i need them.. they are not around.
always 'found a new one and left. found a new one and left. found a new one and left'. should i do the same? no, i don't wanna do the same. why everytime i try to be loyal, they always leave me?
they used to be together with me, when i feel sad, when i feel happy. shared about our life together.
but now?

this is the first time i don't wanna believe anymore. i don't wanna care too much anymore. WHOEVER THEY ARE FOR ME. because i know they will leave me. i know they will hurt me. so, when they leave me and hurt me, i won't feel sad and disappointed.
oh, so tired of being disappointed.


and it made me don't believe in word "forever". "forever" is just for God, not for the world. friendship, relationship, life... someday these stupid things will be gone and leave me. how about God? God always in here. with me. hug me when i'm sad. that's why i just believe in God..

what should i do now? keep going to believing or stop?